Saginaw Spirit/Featured
The Saginaw Spirit are a minor league hockey team in Saginaw, Michigan--''The fightin' Spirit--''! They are the weekly feature of Stephen Colbert's Sports Update, which airs every week. Saginaw Spirit History The team was rescued from Canada by a Great American named Richard Garber. Once safely in America, the team changed its colors to red, white, and blue, adopted a Bald Eagle logo, and called themselves the "Spirit". Stephen Colbert's Favorite Hockey Team The team is led by Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, the mascot of the Spirit, who was named after Stephen Colbert. They sent Stephen a # 1 jersey, making him an official member of the team. He serves as a motivator for when the team needs to man up so they can get that big win. The Saginaw Spirit are the only team worth seeing play the sport of hockey. They play for Stephen Colbert's personal glory. They are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, and frequently pummel the godless Canadians into submission, with the full support of Jesus. They are one of the few things in the world (along with their mascot, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle) that are hockey-related (making it un-American) and America-loving, walking that fine line between good and evil. This proves that they are on the front lines in the war of truthiness and justice. Saginaw's Arch-Enemy The bears are fully aware that Stephen Colbert has a favorite hockey team. The bears have managed to get the entire Canadian city of Owen Sound under their thrall, and Owen Sound's local team, the Owen Sound Attack, have a bear for a mascot. They are the Spirit's archenemy. If they could, the godless killing machines would kidnap Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle and shred the poor little guy limb from limb with their death claws and razor sharp teeth. The battle between the Owen Sound Attack and the Saginaw Spirit is truly a battle of good vs. evil. Good must prevail. Retired Numbers *Stephen Colbert - # 1 Hockey teams retire uniform numbers. Undefeated, and on top of his game, Stephen Colbert had his Saginaw Spirit # 1 retired in an emotional celebration of all he has brought to the game of hockey. If any Spirit player attempts to claim Stephen's # 1, they will be put On Notice. Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour Be On Notice?? At the Saginaw Spirit game on November 3, 2006, Michigan gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos dropped the ceremonial puck before the game. Along with him was Mississippi Governor Hayley Barbour and Taxachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Normally, these ceremonial puck drops are ho hum, they drop the puck, and that is it. However, DeVos, Romney, and Barbour were all wearing Saginaw Spirit jerseys bearing their names and the number one. That is Stephen's number! He retired it! He raised it to the rafters! That number is his! It doesn't belong to anyone else! Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour be put on notice for wearing Stephen's # 1? Does anyone from the show know about this? Perhaps they will read it here and find out about what has happened. Meet the Spirit: Team Roster Every player on the Spirit roster is a Great American. *Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. # 1 - Motivational Speaker - master of truthiness *Jesus H. Christ # 490 - Messiah - his uniform number is seventy times seven, natch! *Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle # 1/8 - Mascot - Still a fledgling *Garrett Seinfeld # 2 - Defenseman - Jerry Seinfeld's cousin *Nick Crawford # 4 - Defenseman - Named for George W. Bush's ranch *Mitch Maunu # 5 - Defenseman - Holds "Mitch-a-Palooza" parties in his basement. Party on, Mitch! *Chris Breen # 6 - Defenseman - so tall that he bumps his head on the video scoreboard above the ice *Nigel Williams # 7 - Defenseman - Before they named him, Nigel's parents must have hit their heads and thought they were British. But trust us, "Sir Nigel" is 100% American. *Patrick McNeill # 8 - Defenseman - Team Captain - his skates are made out of precious rare technetium *Tom Zaborsky # 10 - Forward - His goal being shown on The Colbert Report is the biggest moment in his life *Jan Mursak # 12 - Forward - Wishes he could change his name to "Tom," "Chris," "Ryan," or "Patrick" so he could fit in with the team better *Tyler Haskins # 14 - Forward - once took out a terror cell in Northern Michigan all by himself *Andrew Clouthier # 15 - Forward - wet behind the ears rookie, he's got some more growin' to do! *Cody Bass # 16 - Forward - "C. Bass" spends his time during the off-season as a trucker where he intimidates weenies like Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels by spitting giant loogies in their sandwiches. *Tom Craig # 17 - Forward - the fellas on the team rip on him for having two first names *Chris Chappell # 19 - Forward - Couples go to him when they are gonna get married *Ryan "Jack" Daniels # 20 - Goalie - Stops all the puck-balls that come his way, for he is a mountainous wall of truthiness and protection! *Jack Combs # 21 - Forward - Stephen Colbert's "Main Man" *Ryan O'Marra # 22 - Forward - He once killed a bear with his bare hands on live television. *Patrick Asselin # 23 - Forward - He and Steagle would have Iraq crying uncle in under 2 and 1/2 weeks. *Andrew Hotham #24 - The Spirit traded for this guy because they knew he could lead them to glory. *T.J. Brodie # 25 - Defenseman - Initials stand for Thomas Jefferson, Great American. *Tom Pyatt # 27 - Forward - His last name is pronounced "Pay-it." *Ryan Berard # 28 - Forward - Changed the spelling of his name so it wouldn't include the word "bear" *Ryan McDonough # 29 - Forward - A master of the pitcher-stick *Marc-Andre Perron # 37 - Goalie - A French-Canadian who has escaped his native Quebec to seek political asylum here in America. Not an illegal immigrant. Will be allowed to stay if he helps the Spirit win. *Coach Bob Mancini - Coach - This guy needs to teach this band of great Americans how to forecheck in the neutral zone if they want to win!